


Worth the wait

by littlehorror



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: M/M, Post-Captain America: The Winter Soldier
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-04
Updated: 2014-12-25
Packaged: 2018-02-19 19:09:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,885
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2399573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlehorror/pseuds/littlehorror
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve is not interested in any of the dates Natasha tries to set him up for.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Marvel fic. I hope it turns out okay. Please tell me what you think!

He wakes up from another nightmare filled with ice and water and Bucky falling- just out of reach. If he had reached out just a little further, he could have saved him. He hasn't had a good night sleep since they fished him out of the ocean. He doesn't think they really notice just how damaged he is. To them, it's been seventy years since he crashed that plane. Since Bucky fell. He doesn't think they notice that to him, it had only been about a day. He hates it. He shouldn't have woken up. That was not supposed to happen. He didn't want to live in a world without Bucky. He especially doesn't want to live in a world where everyone he ever loved is dead. Peggy is still there, but she doesn't always remember him, and that hurts.

He hides his pain well. Bucky would see through the mask, but they aren't Bucky. They didn't grow up with him. They didn't sit with him all night when he was sick. They didn't see him before the war. When he could be happy, because he had everything he needed in life. He feels empty now.

He puts up his mask of happiness, and makes his way downstairs. Tony is drinking coffee with Bruce, Natasha and Clint are attempting to make eggs and bacon. Bruce looks up when Steve enters the room. 

"How about some coffee, Cap?" 

He takes the coffee. Bruce and Tony are talking about something Steve can't understand and Natasha and Clint seem to have taken to poking each other with forks.  
The eggs burn, but the bacon is good. 

They get sent on a mission. Something about a terrorist attack and hostages. They deal with it. When they get back, they all go off to tend to their wounds. Natasha got shot in the shoulder, but otherwise everyone looks fine. 

"So Steve. What about that girl at the coffee shop? She was nice." Natasha has been trying to hook him up. 

He just shrugs. He doesn't want to date anyone. They don't understand, because how could they? But for him, it had only been a few month since he watched the love of his life fall to his death. He doesn't want to date. He just wants to be left alone.

Natasha looks away. She looks like she's probably trying to think of every girl she's seen today.

Clint gives him a strange look that Steve can't identify.

The next day, Natasha sets him up with some librarian. She's pretty, but she's not Bucky. He chats politely with her until the end, and goes back to the tower feeling worse than when he woke up. He misses Bucky.

Natasha gives him a strange look when he gets back. He seems to be getting a lot of those lately.

Later that evening, Tony and Clint are watching T.V. and arguing over something. He's suddenly hit by memories of evenings spent with Bucky, arguing over stupid things. Bucky's laugh. His smile. The way he would not sleep for days when Steve was sick, for fear that he might die at any moment. It all hits him like a brick wall. He hasn't cried for Bucky. The tears had simply never come. But he was bound to break eventually. The next thing he knows, he's hurrying through random halls. Trying to get away from everyone. He reaches the end of the hall, where he collapses against the wall. The tears are streaming down his face. He lets out a sob. He misses Bucky. Why didn't he drown in the ocean like he was supposed to? Why did he have to live? He just wants the pain gone. He wants peace. He can't stand the grief and the noise in his head. 

He doesn't hear the footsteps coming toward him. He doesn't notice Pepper, until she hugs him. He falls into her arms. She's sitting on the floor with him. She smells like cinnamon. It's comforting. He sobs into her shoulder. She starts rubbing circles on his back. 

When he's calmed down some, she pulls away. 

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asks. And something about her makes him want to tell her. She wouldn't judge him, and she wouldn't tell anyone.

"I hate it. I just woke up when I was supposed to be dead in the ocean, I find out it's been seventy years, that everyone I knew and loved is dead or dying, and everyone expects me to be just like before. To them, it's been seventy years, but to me it's been a few months." He lets out a sob.

"I miss him. Bucky. When he fell, I had nothing left. There was no point living. I just wanted to destroy HYDRA, and die. I was supposed to die when I crashed the plane. I wasn't supposed to wake up. People act like everything's fine, but he died. Bucky. I just want him back. I don't want a world without Bucky. I loved him, Pepper. I really loved him. Everyone thinks it was Peggy, but it was him all along. Peggy knew. She helped me hide. I love her, but as a best friend. I just want Bucky back."

Pepper is silent for a bit, before she speaks:

"I think I understand. Everyone expects you to just be 'Captain America'. You know, you can talk to the others. They wouldn't judge."

"I don't know. They already have enough problems."

"Okay. But remember, if you ever need to talk, I'm a good listener."

He looks at her. 

"Thank you."

She smiles.

"Now lets go before they come looking for us."

 

 

 

 

 

The next day, they get called up to go after an assassin. He sees a face he never thought he'd ever see again.

"Bucky?"

"Who the hell is Bucky?"

 

 

When he hits the water, he finally feels peace. Maybe this time he won't wake up.

 

He wakes up in the hospital. Sam is sitting in a chair next to him. 

Clint walks in about an hour later. 

"So. What happened?"

"He pulled me out. I was gonna die, but he pulled me out. Why does that always seem to happen?"

Clint gives him a weird look, and people need to stop doing that, it's driving him crazy.

 

 

He goes looking for bucky. Sam insists on coming with him. They go all over the place. 

About a week later, they go back to Stark Tower to see if they can somehow track Bucky.

Steve goes up to the roof to draw. He sits there for about an hour, when he gets the feeling he's being watched. He looks up from his paper, and gasps.

He's standing there. He looks exhausted. He looks hungry and dirty. 

Steve stands up slowly. He's afraid he might be dreaming.

Bucky clears his throat.

"You've been looking for me."

"Yes." Steve doesn't know what else to say.

"You said you were my friend. Did you mean it?"

Steve gulps.

"Of course."

"Then I turn myself in. But only to you. Not SHIELD."

Steve can't believe what he's hearing. 

"Okay. I promise I won't let SHIELD or HYDRA get you ever again. I failed you once, and I don't plan on doing it again."

Bucky follows him back into the Tower.


	2. Chapter 2

The first few days with Bucky living at the tower were quite tiring. He wouldn't let anyone but Steve touch him, and would growl if anyone else came near him, which made it hard to examine his arm. Steve didn't like the idea of them poking and proding at Bucky, but he knew that they needed to check for trackers and explosives. Steve spent as much time as he could spare with Bucky. Bucky would only eat if Steve was the one giving the food to him, and he wouldn't let Steve eat until he had checked the food for poison.

After a few days, Steve was able to convince Bucky to let Tony check his arm, but Bucky would only do it if Steve was in his line of vision, and if Tony didn't wear white. Tony had lit up like a christmas tree when he had been told he was allowed to look at the arm. It went pretty well, Tony only got punched once, when he poked at a particular spot in the arm. He only found two trackers, and was able to remove them. There didn't seem to be anything in the arm that would harm Bucky. Tony had tried to convince Bucky to let him build him a new arm, and Bucky's glare was enough to get him to shut up, which made all the Avengers like Bucky a little more.

The following week, Bucky left the room he had been staying in. Steve had said googbye and gotten up to leave, and Bucky had followed him to the kitchen. From then on, Bucky followed Steve everywhere he went. He would growl at anyone who got too close to Steve and he never let anyone give Steve anything without inspecting it first. It was like having a body guard. Tony thought it was absolutely hilarious, and kept making jokes about it until Bucky finally got tired of it one day. They were all sitting in the living room, when Tony made another joke. Nobody was really listening to him. Suddenly Bucky was right in Tony's face. He glared at Tony for a moment, before letting out a low growl. Everyone else was ready to intervene in case Bucky got violent. Tony looked mildly terrified, though he would always deny it. After that, Tony stopped making jokes with Bucky in the room, which meant that the others made it their mission to always be in the same room as Bucky, which resulted in everyone following Steve all around the tower. It was amusing, but it also meant that Steve never had a moment alone. 

Tony got a bit lonely, but he would never admit that, so he spent his time talking with JARVIS, who, it turns out, is actually quite pleasant company. He still couldn't wait for Pepper to get back. She was at some meeting or something. 

One night, Clint woke up, and Tony was right next to him. The loneliness was starting to get to him. He probably should not have started the conversation with such a lame joke, but he was desperate, okay?

"That's funny, I thought you had a nest on the roof."

After that, everyone slept in with Steve and Bucky. 

Steve didn't really think much of this, exept that it was mildly annoying, until morning, when everyone was woken up by screaming. Everyone turned to comfort Bucky, only to find Bucky, hunched over Steve, who was thrashing and screaming on his bed. Bucky was talking to him.

"Steve. It's okay, Steve, I'm here. You're in Stark tower, and I'm right here. It's okay, I'm alive."

Everyone looked on in shock, until Natasha pushed them all, none too gently, out of the room. Neither Steve nor Bucky came out of the room at all that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I'm not sure how good this chapter is gonna be, but I'm gonna try to make it okay. I've been having trouble writing lately, so this chapter might be a bit short, sorry.

Bucky woke from yet another nightmare. Steve was still asleep. He seemed peacefull, for once. Bucky had possibly more nightmares than Steve, but he didn't wake up screaming. Hydra had taught him to be silent long ago. He didn't want to go back to sleep, and he didn't want to face the others, so he stayed in bed, eyes glued on Steve's face. He had started remembering some, but he had trouble telling what was real and what wasn't. 

It was all really confusing to be honest. He didn't want Steve to worry about him, because he would, so he didn't mention the memories. He didn't want to give Steve false hope. He wasn't the man Steve had seen fall off that fucking train. He wasn't the winter soldier, but he wasn't Bucky Barnes. Who was he? Everyone called him Bucky, but could he really be Bucky? Or had Hydra taken that away for good?

He hated this confusion, this not knowing what to do. He felt helpless, useless. He couldn't even help himself. How was he gonna help Steve? He doesn't understand these feelings that surface and bubble in his chest when he sees Steve smile. Were they there before? What do they mean? 

He was pulled out of his thoughts when Steve grumbled and sat up. 

"Hey, Bucky."

"Hello, Steve."

Steve rubbed his eyes.

"You hungry?"

"Not really. You?"

"No." He really couldn't even stand the thought of food.

"Should we go back to sleep?"

Bucky nodded.

He really had no intention of sleeping, but when Steve curled up against him, he felt himself doze off.

His last thought before falling asleep, was how warm Steve was.


	4. Chapter 4

Steve woke that morning to someone knocking on the door. Bucky was still asleep, legs tangled with Steve's. Steve untangled himself from the sheets, and opened the door. 

Natasha was standing there, with a tray. There were eggs, bacon, and coffee. 

"Hey, Steve. I figured you might be hungry."

"I'm not, really."

Natasha gave him a stern look.

"Steve, you need to eat, and so does Barnes. Now take the food."

Steve sighed, but took the tray from her hands.

"Steve, are you alright?" Her voice was softer now.

"Yeah. I'm fine."

"Are you sure?"

Steve just stood there a few seconds, before answering.

"I'm fine."

He didn't wait for Natasha's reply, he just closed the door, and walked back over to the bed.

Bucky was up. 

"Mornin' Steve." He mumbled.

"Hey." 

Steve set the tray on the table. 

"You hungry?" Bucky asked.

"No."

"Well, too bad. You need to eat."

Steve gave him an annoyed look.

"Haha. Look who's talking. If I have to eat, so do you."

"Fine."

"Fine."

Neither moved for about a minute, then Bucky got up, sat down at the table, and started shoving eggs in his mouth.  
Steve sipped his coffee.

"Steve, we had an agreement. Eat."

"Fine."

He ate a plate of eggs, and some bacon.

"Now can we go back to bed?"

Bucky said, breaking the silence.

"We sure spend a lot of time there lately."

Steve got under the blanket.

"You're warm." Bucky mumbled sleepily, before drifting back to sleep in Steve's arms.

Steve watched Bucky's face. He looked much less troubled. He looked more like the Bucky that Steve remembers from his childhood. He knows Bucky has nighmares. He feels him kick and thrash around next to him nearly every night. He wishes desperately that he could help. He feels so useless. He's supposed to be helping Bucky, but he's too caught up in his own problems. For once, Bucky needs him, and he's not sick. He's stronger than he ever was, and yet he feels so weak. He hates it. Why can't he be strong for Bucky? Why can't he help his best friend. His heart breaks every time he thinks about the things that HYDRA did to Bucky. It's all his fault. He let Bucky fall. He didn't catch him. He should have caught him. Or at least jumped after him. He can feel the tears fall down his face. Why was he crying? Bucky should be the one crying. He had no buisness crying. But Bucky had always been stronger, better, than him. In absolutely every way. 

He chokes back a sob. He truly is pathetic. What would Bucky think if he saw him now? He'd probably be disgusted. 

 

Bucky woke up to a strange, strangled sound. He opens his eyes. Steve has his back to him, and he's shaking. Then he lets out a choked sob. That's when Bucky realizes he's crying. Why is he crying? It's probably his fault. Steve probably just can't deal with all his problems. He's such a fucking mess. Why didn't Steve just shoot him when he had the chance? It would have been so much easier.

Steve suddenly lets out a loud sob. Bucky puts his arm around Steve, the guilt making him feel like he's being punched in the stomach. Steve startles, then rolls over, and buries his head in Bucky's chest. They stay like that until Steve's sobs finally quiet. And only when Bucky is sure that Steve is asleep, does he let himself drift off into unconciousness.


	5. Chapter 5

When Steve woke up, the first thing he registered, was that Bucky was not next to him. Panic rose in his chest. Had Bucky left because of him? Where was he? What if he was hurt? But before he could get up, the bathroom door opened, and Bucky stepped out. He was wearing jeans and a t-shirt.

"Steve, I wanna go outside."

Steve stood up.

"Are you sure?"

"No, but I'm tired of being stuck in the tower. I wanna try."

Steve sighed.

"Okay, Bucky. I'll go get dressed. But if there's a single problem, anything at all, I need you to tell me. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good."

"Good."

 

 

Steve decided to take Bucky to a small coffee shop that he had found one morning. It was quiet, and usually fairly empty. He was a bit worried about Bucky. He hadn't gone farther than the roof since he handed himself in, but he understood that Bucky needed to test his limits. 

Bucky was feeling a bit overwhelmed by all the people, and noise, but it wasn't too bad, he just stayed focused on what was in front of him. When they got to the coffee shop, Steve turned to face him. 

"Are you sure you want to do this? We can go back if you want."

Bucky clenched his fists, a look of determination on his face.

"I'm fine."

"Okay."

Steve went up to the woman at the cash register, and ordered two black coffees. 

Bucky watched Steve. He was so much bigger than he used to be. He remembers the thin, determined little shit that couldn't walk away from a fight. He's still the same, but at the same time, he's a whole other person. Bucky misses the way Steve used to look, but also admires his new form. Steve looks over at him, and smiles. And god, that smile makes something warm explode in Bucky's chest. And that's when he remembers. All those moments when he would look at those lips, and long to kiss him. How Steve looked, curled up with his sketchpad. That's when it hits him. He loves him. Bucky is completely and totally in love with Steve Rogers, and he always has been.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if this is really bad, but I just felt like writing, and I had some inspiration, so here...   
> Also, I'm very sorry if this chapter is short, but I'm not very good at writing long chapters.

Trips to the coffee shop became a regular thing. Bucky was slowly getting better, although the nightmares persisted. Steve was having fewer nightmares, now that Bucky was back, but he still woke up screaming some mornings. 

They were still avoiding the others. Bucky didn't feel up to being around too many people, and Steve didn't want to deal with Tony's teasing and everyones' questions, so they stayed locked up in their room except for their weekly trips to the coffee shop.

Bucky was also getting better at being in crowds. Every time they went out, he noticed fewer details. Steve seemed very happy with these improvements, but Bucky could see how exhausted he was. He wished he could protect Steve, but there was nothing he could do to fight off Steve's demons. He hated the feeling of utter helplessness he felt every time Steve woke up in a cold sweat. All he could do was hold him to his chest, and wait. He had never felt so useless in his life.

 

They were walking home from the coffee shop, and Steve was smiling like he won the lottery.

"What are you smiling about?"

Steve just looked at him with a look unknown to Bucky on his face.

"Nothing. Just you."

When they got back to the tower, Natasha was at their door.

"Come on, guys! I know you can hear me, just come get this food, and I'll leave you alone!"

"Hey Natasha, please stop screaming."

Steve was grinning so wide Bucky worried his face might split right open.

Natasha turned, clearly surprised.

"What are you guys doing out?"

"What, we aren't allowed to enjoy the fresh air?" Bucky responded, his voice dripping with sarcasm.

"I just didn't realize you came out of your cave."

"Yeah, we go out every week now, Natasha, I thought you were supposed to be observant and all that." Steve said, in the same tone as Bucky.

"Okay, mister sarcasm, here's your lunch, or whatever. I'm outta here."

She shoved the tray into Steve's arms, and disappeared around the corner.

Steve unlocked the door in silence.

They ate quickly, before climbing back in bed, where they spent most of their time.

They fell asleep curled into each other.

 

 

The next morning, Bucky woke up with a start. He had just had one of the worst dreams so far. Every time he remembers a kill, he wishes the memories would never come. He killed so many people. God, how could Steve stand to be around him, knowing all the things he's done. 

Steve must have noticed something, because he was suddenly sitting next to Bucky.

"You okay?"

Bucky flinched at the softness of Steve's voice. How could he care? How could he even look at him after everything?

"How do you do it?" 

Confusion was written al over Steve's face.

"Do what?"

Bucky turned to face him.

"How can you look at me? How can you look into my eyes every day? How can you care so much?"

"What do you mean, Bucky?"

"I've killed so many innocent people, Steve. You read my file. How can you look at me and not be sick? I should be locked up!"

The look of confusion was replaced with one of stunned shock, then determination.

"Bucky, none of that was you."

"Yes! It was! It was my hand! I killed children, Steve!"

"It wasn't you, Bucky. They tortured you. They brainwashed you until you didn't even know you're own name!" 

"But-"

"No. Bucky, I need you to understand this. None of that was you. It might have been your body, but it wasn't you."

Bucky could feel the tears threatening to spill, but he held them back.

"I don't understand how you can look at me." His voice sounded broken.

Steve held Bucky's face in his hands.

"Bucky. I will always be here for you. End of story. I love you, and I always will, and nothing you ever do can ever change that, so I'm sorry Bucky, but you're stuck with me."

Bucky broke down. He couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He hadn't felt loved since he fell. Nobody had shown him love for years. He had forgotten how it felt to truly be loved, but now, in that moment, he remembered. Steve loved him. There were so many things he wanted to tell Steve, but he couldn't speak. He was too busy sobbing into Steve's chest. 

Steve sat on the floor, with Bucky held close to his chest. He couldn't believe he had finally told Bucky. He felt lighter. And, as he carried an exhausted Bucky back to bed, he could have sworn he heard him mutter "Love you too". 

But that was probably just his imagination. Right?


End file.
